Shvitzing on Shabbos

In love with my lesbian rabbi. What do I do?

‘Forbidden fruit’ | Original image: Shutterstock.com

Shema Arielle, 

Our synagogue hired a wonderful new rabbi. She is very engaging with all of our members. She's smart, funny and wonderful with pastoral care. I'm pretty sure I am in love with her, but she's a lesbian. And I'm a married man! What am I to do!?

Sincerely, 

Shvitzing on Shabbat

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Hey Bubbela, 

First off, don’t say “pastoral care.” It’s goyish and I had to Google it. I’m really only interested 

I don’t care for the phrase “pastoral care.” It’s goyische and I had to Google it. What I do care for is pASStoral care. 

Anyway. 

The fruit you desire is forboden, Bubbela! Do NOT bite. DO go to jail, and venmo me $200 (@ariellekaplan613). Listen, schvitzy (Is it okay if I call you that?), your lesbian rabbi absolutely does not want to be hit on by a straight, male married congregant. 

But what are you to do, you ask? Quell this crush immediately. Dayenu! If your erections are too hard to handle, perhaps consider switching synagogues. 

As for your marriage… mamaleh, what’s going on? I think it’s time for couple’s therapy, and don’t even think about seeking counsel from the lesbian rabbi! The best advice I can offer you is to reflect on your relationship and figure out why you’re lusting after LR (Lesbian Rabbi). 

Shabbat Shalom,

Arielle